zugzwang

ive always hated being alone by myself.. alone in my room.. alone in studying.. alone in eating.. alone in reading.. alone in training (for chess).. alone walking papuntang next class.. hate it so much.. hate knowing that i have no one to turn to when i feel like talking.. hate knowing that i have no one to ask what should i be doing.. hate to call the shots on my own.. hate having no one to argue.. hate having no one to fool around with.. hate being alone by myself..
but i don’t mind being alone waiting for someone.. i dont care how long it takes (if the person is late).. i don’t care if i look stupid (if we are supposed to wear something that only makes sense together).. i don’t mind it at all.. hoping that that person would walk in the door.. praying i don’t have to wait another moment.. wishing that id look good to that person.. i don’t mind being alone waiting for someone..
what i hate most is when the person i have been waiting never shows up.. forgets that we are supposed to meet.. and never even informs me that that person couldn’t even make it.. been there a lot of times.. being stood up and all (sa tagalog inindyan).. it ruins not only my day but even the rest of the week.. and you know what, it scars me.. and that scar wud last as long as i live.. i remember who exactly are the people who have done this to me.. and believe me id never forget that they have (done this to me).. there is a list of names printed not in the back of my mind but carved ryt down my heart.. that scar turns to a wound everytym my mind dwells in its memory.. it bleeds and all i could do is hold the pain inside knowing that what is past has passed.. i hate it most.. regreting even going into the trouble waiting for the person.. holding the anger deep inside my heart that beets like drums of war.. shaming myself standing (sitting if im blessed to find a chair) on that spot for hours and hours.. i hate it most when a person iv been waiting never shows up..

what id love, is someone to be with.. to talk to and to walk with.. someone who wouldn’t mind having lunch with me for the sake of just having lunch.. someone who wud laugh at good jokes.. and someone who’d take tym to listen to even bad ones.. someone who believes im happy even when im not smilling.. someone who’d listen when i dont feel like talking..

but what id love most.. is to have that person

ive always hated being alone by myself.. alone in my room.. alone in studying.. alone in eating.. alone in reading.. alone in training (for chess).. alone walking papuntang next class.. hate it so much.. hate knowing that i have no one to turn to when i feel like talking.. hate knowing that i have no one to ask what should i be doing.. hate to call the shots on my own.. hate having no one to argue.. hate having no one to fool around with.. hate being alone by myself..
but i don’t mind being alone waiting for someone.. i dont care how long it takes (if the person is late).. i don’t care if i look stupid (if we are supposed to wear something that only makes sense together).. i don’t mind it at all.. hoping that that person would walk in the door.. praying i don’t have to wait another moment.. wishing that id look good to that person.. i don’t mind being alone waiting for someone..
what i hate most is when the person i have been waiting never shows up.. forgets that we are supposed to meet.. and never even informs me that that person couldn’t even make it.. been there a lot of times.. being stood up and all (sa tagalog inindyan).. it ruins not only my day but even the rest of the week.. and you know what, it scars me.. and that scar wud last as long as i live.. i remember who exactly are the people who have done this to me.. and believe me id never forget that they have (done this to me).. there is a list of names printed not in the back of my mind but carved ryt down my heart.. that scar turns to a wound everytym my mind dwells in its memory.. it bleeds and all i could do is hold the pain inside knowing that what is past has passed.. i hate it most.. regreting even going into the trouble waiting for the person.. holding the anger deep inside my heart that beets like drums of war.. shaming myself standing (sitting if im blessed to find a chair) on that spot for hours and hours..

i can’t seem to stop reading your old messages.. it’s been two years and i haven’t earased it yet in my inbox.. perhaps it’s too tasky.. or maybe i value your messages that i spare it a couple of megabytes of memory.. i don’t know.. i don’t know why i keep indulging myself with the jokes we shared and the topics we talked about.. they were pretty corny come to think of it but i enjoyed them and even laughed at them.. things change.. you have changed.. i have changed (perhaps that is why i find them corny today).. and we don’t write each other anymore.. it was such a loss before.. and it still is today.. hey, people like things come and go..

i can’t believe we talked about these stuff.. things that i know would bore you if we talked about them over a cup of coffee.. these were things i only liked and yet you were able to ride on them.. you made more sense than sensibility.. you actually made more sense than i did.. hehehe.. i don’ t know if you enjoyed reading my messages but i sure did enjoy reading yours.. your messages were like my favorite TV show.. id die if i missed it.. they were like puzzles making me guess what really was in your mind.. your messages delighted me like chrismas presents each day that i read them.. your messages.. i missed them.. and a part of me actually died

i wish i could write you now.. and i wish you’d answer.. i wish i could ask you about your injury you used to have.. the injury we used to talk about.. i wish i could write you again, every morning like i used to.. and you’d send your answer at night.. i wish we could continue what was before.. new messages, because i’m almost done reading six months of your messages.. wish you’d send me a new one.. wish i know how you’re doing.. wish id get the chance to show you how much better of a writer i have become.. how good of a conversationist i am today.. wish i could write you now

it’s hard to believe na noong May 3 pa ung last post ko.. i tried so many times to update my blog but it seems so tough for me to finish my entries..  dami ng nangyari and i dont know where to begin my tale..

let me talk to you with the use of numbers.. and let me start with the number 18.. yes , 18..  i turned 18 na.. wala naman masyadong nabago sa akin with respect to my age.. i did not mature any much  pero i suppose because 18 na ako.. id get to decide na sa napakaliit na bagay regarding my hair style (cguro naman pwede na ako maglong hair)

18 ulit, 18 units ako this first sem.. accounting, econ, stat, soc sci, english, geol.. yan ang mga subjs that comprises the 18 units.. pero the story does not stop there..  may cwts ako which is 6 units.. and may varsity training ako na 6 hours a week (yep, im back to play ing chess).. in total parang 30 units..  tapos may activities pa sa study center.. so busy this sem and after ng two weeks ng class.. im so worn out na kagad ang feeling ko.. kapal kc ng  books sa accounting at sa econ at sa soc sci.. errr.. nevertheless i know how to read na these days.. i have actually been reading novels and stuff like that.. changed? no.. changing, definitely

2.. im in my second year in UP.. ive had this burning desire to study before in my life pero im sure that this time the flame won’t go out.. i can’t seem to understand why lately i am so fueled to study.. im not courting anyone as of late nor am i involve with a special someone pero i have this unknown factor that fuels me to strive further than what i can..  i can only think of two reasons.. it’s either in rising up to the challenge i have set unto myself or im trying to forget the feelings i had for someone who no longer is with me.. either way, though as of late im geting good grades.. i want to get rid of this drive this flame.. coz it’s burning me up..

41.. yan ang jersey number ni dirk nowitzki.. fave basketball superstar ko.. natapos na ang nba finals and sadly natalo sila.. kabado kc c dirk.. hahaha.. the mavs waited 6 or 7 year para umabot sa finals at ng nsa finals cla they choked.. hahaha.. its pretty much the story of my life..  i was once nsa national juniors.. worked so hard to get there.. but when the time came for the biggest matches.. id lose because im too nervous to think.. hehehe .. pero the past has passed and now it is different.. dati noon i had so many people watching me play, i had my team mates looking up to me, i had a coach that expects me to win and to be the role model of the team.. ngayon, its way different.. i stopped playing competitive level of chess for more than a year  and i have lost all that.. now, im an underdog.. trying to find my way   into the UP  chess varsity team.. its been two weeks  since ive been practicing with the team.. and as of late my record aint impressive to anyone.. ngayon, gusto ko  maibalik ung mga nawala sa akin..

15 ang next number ko..  15 minutes na kc malel8 na ako sa   next class ko.. hehehe.. next tym na lng

This was inspired by the movie, "Scorpio Nights 1", which we watched in our Panitikang Pilipino 19 class. This is a paper i submitted to my prof.

Kalayaan, ang kumilos ng ayon sa iyong kagustuhan ng ‘di naapektuhan ng kahit ano o kahit sino. Ngunit sa ating panahon, sadyang mahirap maging malaya. Nariyan ang mga mapanghusgang mata ng madla. Nariyan ang mga hilig na minamanipula ng komersalisasyon. Nariyan ang mga konserbatibong paniniwalang patuloy na bumubulong sa atin kahit na gaano kaingay ang mundo. Pangarap na lang marahil ang maging malaya.

May mga pangarap rin naman na natutupad at sa aking panonood nakakita ako ng paraan upang makatakas sa mga kadenang pumipigil at kumukulong sa kamalayan. Ang pag-iisa, isang kapangyarihang nakapagpapalaya. Sa pag-iisa ay walang mga matang di pumipikit para maghintay ng iyong pagkakamali. Sa pag-iisa ay mailaladlad mo ang lahat at sa tabing ng kadiliman maitatago mo ang bawat kapintasan. Sa pag-iisa ay maaari mong sabihin ang bawat salitang hindi mo maisigaw sa madla. Walang magsasabi sa iyo kung ano ang salita ang nararapat gamitin. Walang magbabawal sa iyo sa kahit anong paksa. Sabihin mo ang lahat at ayos lang. Sa pag-iisa maaari mong limutin ang konserbatibong lipunan. Maari mong hayaan ang pagnanasang gumapang sa iyong katawan at dumaloy sa iyong dugo. Maaari mong gawin ang lahat ng di mo magawa sa harap ng maraming tao. Walang hiya. Walang pipigil. Ikaw ay malaya.

Ngunit kung iisipin, ang pag-iisa ay may bahid ng pait at kalungkutan sapagkat walang saysay ang ligaya kung walang ibang magpapahalaga nito maliban sa iyo. Oo nga’t maligaya ka sa iyong pag-iisa ngunit ika’y unti-unting nagiging alipin ng sandata na sa iyo’y nagpapalaya. Ika’y malalagay sa isang ginintuang hawla, magara at kaaya-aya ngunit kasangkapan pa rin ng pagkaalipin. Paano na ang pangarap ng kalayaan?

Sa pangungulila, ang tao’y magnanais makawala. Maghahanap ito ng kapwa at ng karamay. Ngunit kung lalabas at makapipiling ang madla, paano ang kalayaang pinaghihirapan? Sakali bang sumugal sa pagkakataon at manalig sa kapwa ay may mahahanap bang maaakit sa ligayang maipagkakaloob? May masisilaw ba sa gintong hawla at may magnanais bang makasama ang isang duwag na malaya lamang kapag nagkukubli sa dilim? Sakaling maging mapait ang mundo at ikaw ay matalo, hindi ka kaya manatiling nag-iisa?

Mali naman marahil na pahirapan ka masyado ng mundo. Malay mo ay manalo ka sa sugal at makahanap ka ng taong sasama sa iyo sa dilim. Isang taong makikinig sa iyo sa iyong pananahimik. Isang taong maligaya sa piling mo kahit hindi ka nakangiti. Isang taong nais ring maging maligaya tulad mo.

Sa iyong pagkakasumpong ng katuwang sa bagong kamalayan, sa iyong pagkakakita ng karamay sa ligaya ng kalayaan, at sa iyong pagkakahanap ng isang taong magbibigay sa iyo ng tapang na lumusong sa mas madilim, tunay ka na bang malaya? Batid mo ba na ang iyong kasama ay hindi ikaw? Batid mo rin ba na iyan ay mayroong sarili at kayo ay iba sa bawat isa? Alam mo ba na ang tao’y nagbabago sa paglipas ng panahon? Alam mo rin ba na sa pagsikat ng araw ang tabing ng kadiliman ay huhubarin ng liwanag?

Marupok ang tao at isang saglit ay maaaring magbago ang isip nito, mag-iba ang pintig ng puso, at mapalitan ang panlasa ng laman. Makakaya mo bang sabayan ang kanyang pagbabago? Sakaling hindi mo magawa ay tiyak na mawawala siya sa iyo. At kung ito’y masundan, hindi ka kaya maging alipin ng taong nagbibigay laya sa iyo?

Pambihirang pangarap ng kalayaan! Ito’y isang bangungot pala.

He sat down in front of her, looked at her, and smiled. She did the same as usual, smiling back at him. He knew it was like a reflex, seeing her smile back at almost everyone, but then he loved her smile. There was nothing sweeter and nothing lovelier. He exhaled, wishing that she would keep smiling and that he could keep staring. Nevertheless, he knew that he had to look away.

He shifted his eyes, looking at the menu that lay beside his left hand. He picked it up and raised it to read. He never ate Korean but since it was her that dragged him inside, he’d try it anyway. What the heck? He was with her, no matter how it would taste.

There was one that looked like sushi and knowing that she loves Japanese, he chose it. He never ate sushi as well. He seldom tries foreign dishes since he taught that by keeping eating Filipino, he is patriotic. This was the first time he would eat using chopsticks inside a restaurant, not that he did not know how to, it was just that this was in a crowd and this was in front of her. This is the real thing. The deal was it didn’t matter because he’d eat anything in anyway to be with her.

He looked around quickly trying to check what the environment was like. There were plenty of foreigners and since the place was Korean, he thought they were all. It was a fairly decent place, better than the usual cafeterias and restaurants he chooses when he is just with friends. He noticed that she was finished choosing.

“So what will you have?” He asked.

“This one,” she replied pointing to the menu. “And you?”

“Same,” he said now looking at her eyes.

Her eyes were a different story. It may be cliché but they were diamonds that sparkled in each movement. They were beautiful but every time they would look at him it was as if he was naked, bare down to his soul. It was as if they were reading in his eyes what the next word would be. It was as if there is no escape and his only surrender is to tell the truth plain and simple. He was not lying though when he said before his feelings but then the plain and simple truth would never be enough to win her. He knew that she had heard them all. He knew that he was nothing compared to those who have said those words to her. But then, at the back of his head, I’d never win the lottery until I buy a ticket.

They had their order. They had their chat. They had their lunch and God it sucks. The sushi-like dish barely had a hint of tuna. It was like the ‘suman’ he craves for every time he went to his province. Only this time, there was no sugar and the stickiness he loved was not there. It was heavy in the tummy. He hated the sesame seeds in it. It was sipping of the flavor and the more he chew the more he hated Korean. Oh well, he kept eating anyway. It seemed to him that she liked it and so he tried to look like he did too as well. There were eleven pieces and when they were both down to four he stopped. He couldn’t keep pretending but his mouth was full and so he wasn’t able to scrutinize it. He offered her what was left. She ate just one. Sixty-five pesos thrown away and tomorrow flushed down to the toilet but it was all the worth for he was with her through the lunch.

Bakit ganito ang oras? Wari ay sa bawat pagsubok kong bilisan ang paggawa ay lalo itong nalalapit sa paghinto. Tinignan ko ang oras at labing limang minuto pa lamang ang lumilipas magbuhat ng ako’y nagsimula. Bibilisan ko pa ang paggawa. Bibilisan ko pa ang iisteypol ng mga papels at mamaya ay hindi ko mamamalayan ang oras. Bigla ko na lamang makikita na tanghalian na pala. Hindi ko mararamdaman ang gutom dahil abala ako sa pag-aayos ng mga form na ito. Tumataas na ang patong ng mga papels. Mukhang mga isang dangkal ko na. Ilan kaya yan lahat? Anong oras na kaya?

Ano? Sampung minuto pa lamang ang nakalipas? Hay naku. Sige trabaho pa rin. Hindi dapat ako makita ni Ate Cyn na tamad. Tuloy ang trabaho. Tuloy ang isteypol. Buti na lang at hindi mainit. Maraming bintilador ang nakapalibot at tamang tama ang pagkabanayad ng hangin na hindi nililipad ang mga papeles. Buti na lang at hindi mainit dito sapagkat wala akong dalang pampalit na damit. Alam kong tag-init at dapat handa ako ngunit tinanghali na kasi ako ng gising at huli na ako sa oras ng pagpasok. Hating gabi na kasi ng ako’y matulog dahil na rin sa Jewel in the Palace. Kailangan kong malaman kung matatanggal ba si Yuni. Nagagandahan ako dun eh, mas nagagandahan kay Jang Geum. Hehehe. Buti na lang ay may relasyon siya dun sa punong manggagamot at pinagtanggol siya nito. Kahit kontrabida siya, hindi mapagkakaila ang kanyang ganda.

Muli akong lumingon sa orasan. Sampung minuto lamang ang siyang muling lumipas. Ilan pa bang kwento ang maipapang-aliw ko sa aking sarili? Ilang pa bang beses ko kakausapin ang aking sarili? Ang hirap kasi ng pwesto ko. Nakatalikod ako sa mga katrabaho ko. Naririnig ko sila nag-uusap at naiintindihan ko ang bawat salita. Sa totoo lang ay gusto ko magsalita. Hehehe. Nadarama ko na makatutulong ako. Ngunit mali naman ang sumabat sa kanilang usapan. Hindi pa naman kami magkakilala.

Paulit-ulit kong naririnig ang tunog ng steypler. Tsak-tsak. Tsak-tsak. Tsak-tsak. Unti-unting nagiging musika ito sa aking pandinig. Bawat tunog ng tsak-tsak ay parang munting tagumpay na nakapagsteypol ako ng isa pang lupon ng dokumento. Nanganngawit na ang aking balikat. Masakit ngunit alam ko na maganda ito sa aking kalamnan. Titigas ito at mas gaganda ang hubog ng aking balikat. Ilan pa kayang kasinungalingan ang sasabihin ko sa aking sarili para lamang malimot ang kabagutan? Hanggang kailan kaya ako magpapa-uto sa sinungaling kong sarili? Kelan kaya ako manananghalian?

“lunch na kayo oh”, sabi ni Ate Debbie (yun yata name nya). “balik na lang kayo ng one”

“Opo,” sagot ko. “Hi,” sabi ko sa aking mga katrabaho. “San kayo maglulunch? Okey lang ba kung sama ako?”

this is my final paper in CW10.. made it within 9 hours with barely any sleep and barely any inspiration.. it aint like what i have written before but still i wish you enjoy =)

Tutorial

They were alone in his room, shoulder to shoulder in front of a desk as he painstakingly tried to tutor her math. The curtains were closed to block off the blinding sunlight. The cool breeze from the fan was inviting him to nap while waiting for her to come up with something. He fought boredom, doodling at the back of her failed exam papers. Still, he couldn’t help but to yawn.

“Sleep for a while,” she said.

“Nah, I’m okay.”

“I thought you were up all night.”

“Yeah, but I’d rather teach you than sleep,” he said looking at the closed window.

She cuddled his arm and laid her head on his shoulder. He placed his chin over her head and breathed in the sweet scent of her hair.

“You should get back to studying,” he said trying to wake up.

“I’m tired. Can’t we stop for a break?”

“Your exams are tomorrow,” he said disagreeing.

“I know… but I just want to be with you”

She moved in closer and cuddled his arm tighter. He wanted to stand but he was frozen, feeling the softest of her body pressed against him. His eyes were serious though, looking at the window, trying to see through beyond the curtains. Then, on his neck, he felt a kiss. It was just for a moment but it woke his senses. Then there was another, longer and harder. He felt the rush of blood through his veins and then he knew he is awake. He looked at her, now with his eyes relaxed and easy. Her face was drawing closer and her breathing stopped. In her eyes, all that he could see was his reflection.

She kissed him. It was unlike before. It was as if she was going in him but he cannot just let her. He tried matching her kiss and right before their lips separated, he kissed her. It was like chasing after hers but then he remembered the hours of silence spent in studying and ended the kiss. Very slowly he moved his lips away.

“You should get back to your studies,” he said looking at her.

“No,” she defied him sweetly.

They were at it once again. Kissing as they slowly stood up as every move made more passionate. Her arms were on his shoulder and around his neck. His was hand on her waist and into her shirt, slowly crawling up to her body. Her fingertips slithered on his scalp. His hand slid on her silk like skin. She slowly led him to the bed and with every step they took off each other’s clothes. He was over her and under the sheets. Her warmth embraced him. His kisses now made everywhere, to her lips, to her neck, to her chest, to her bosoms, to her tummy, to her belly button and down even further. She chuckled as he went down and down and snickered at the end.

He felt great having it tucked between her legs, every movement tickling. She touched and kissed him, here and there and everywhere. The restless nights writing papers, the countless hours reading books, and the endless stress seemingly went out of him. She placed her hands right below his waist. It was the moment to earn the prize but unlike her, he wasn’t at a smile. He looked at her eyes and there he saw her happy.

He rolled to lie beside her, passing at the chance. He looked away towards the window, trying once again to see through beyond the curtain. He felt sweat on his body and the blood still rushing in his veins but now slower but stronger. He felt once again the cold breeze of the fan now that he was not in her embrace. It was just now that he noticed that the fan had blown away her exams papers to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m worried about your exams. I’m turning out to be a distraction,” he said.

“It’s okay. I better go back to studying.”

lately i haven’t been posting anything since it is our finals week. i had to stop updating my blog so that i could give some time to my studies. i had to stop day dreaming so that i’d be able to see my goals once again. it has been tough lately, sacrificing my social life just to get my grades straight. i am used to it though for it has been the story of my life.

my exams are all done and i have only one paper left to do. life has been easy since my calculus finals was over. been watching basketball games, been going out with friends, and been sleeping eight hours once again. i guess it wasn’t too much of a sacrifice.

though it has been easy, i cannot say that things are clear already. my heart is still a mess which i dare not to even look at to know where to start fixing. my grades are hanging in the balance and to be honest, i think i won’t make it to the BAA cut-off. i said goodbyes to so many friends knowing that i might never have the chance to be with them anymore since we will be taking different paths but wanting both at the same time to hold on to what we have had. it’s a mess but i dare not to clean it up. lazy? no. it’s just too complicated.

i have spent one school year in UP and i can definitely say that i am not the darryl i used to be. to tell you the truth, i am pretty much dissapointed to what i have become. this ain’t me and i am faltering away from the man i want to become. complications are things that dont hinder me. the complicated stuff are the more i enjoy making it simple. been placed to a different kind of pressure since coming to UP. until now i cannot define exactly what is pressuring me though but i just feel it. i am sorry but i am not doing well against it. i just aint the darryl i used to be.

i miss myself. i wonder where could i be. i come out from time to time but still it aint enough. that is the reason why i tried to get rid of me. i just aint enough. i have to become better and to become better i have to sacrifice myself. i have to or else i will stay in mediocrity. i know what i want and i’d sacrifice whatever has to be just to get it. i will not fail.

(p.s. i normally don’t write this way..)

in the past few days i have been in hell.. i cannot completely say na im out of it na pero.. kanina.. i had an esacpe..

spent the day in the house one of my closest and dearest friends sa UP.. sa bahay ni marge.. i was with marge (ofcourse kc bahay nya un), jevic (bday girl in 2 days), roni (mabagsik pala sa videoke to), mae (from st scho pala xa nung grade skul), aidz (nalilink sa isa dyan kanina) & mai-mai (new friend who really rocks)..

i finally got to see the korean movie "my sassy girl".. its so great.. comedic.. romantic.. cheesy ( as roni and marge put it ).. but it is my type of movie..

im a sucker for love stories (chick flick in the american language).. and since i was with friends i had a spectacular time..

nalimot ko ang mga problema ko.. nalimot ko ang.. ano nga ba un?? mamaya kapag nag-iisa na ako maaalala ko rin un..

im so grateful i have you guys around me.. i am at peace and i am at all smiles.. dahil you gave me this day to treasure im so sure i can face the problems i have been dealing with.. it feels so great talaga.. i know im repeating myself pero kung may oras ako nasabihin ang lahat ay gagawin ko.. ngunit tinatawag na ako sa impyerno.. id go back to studying =) thanks talaga sa lahat ng friends ko =) thanks God that You gave them to me =)