zugzwang

this is my final paper in CW10.. made it within 9 hours with barely any sleep and barely any inspiration.. it aint like what i have written before but still i wish you enjoy =)

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They were alone in his room, shoulder to shoulder in front of a desk as he painstakingly tried to tutor her math. The curtains were closed to block off the blinding sunlight. The cool breeze from the fan was inviting him to nap while waiting for her to come up with something. He fought boredom, doodling at the back of her failed exam papers. Still, he couldn’t help but to yawn.

“Sleep for a while,” she said.

“Nah, I’m okay.”

“I thought you were up all night.”

“Yeah, but I’d rather teach you than sleep,” he said looking at the closed window.

She cuddled his arm and laid her head on his shoulder. He placed his chin over her head and breathed in the sweet scent of her hair.

“You should get back to studying,” he said trying to wake up.

“I’m tired. Can’t we stop for a break?”

“Your exams are tomorrow,” he said disagreeing.

“I know… but I just want to be with you”

She moved in closer and cuddled his arm tighter. He wanted to stand but he was frozen, feeling the softest of her body pressed against him. His eyes were serious though, looking at the window, trying to see through beyond the curtains. Then, on his neck, he felt a kiss. It was just for a moment but it woke his senses. Then there was another, longer and harder. He felt the rush of blood through his veins and then he knew he is awake. He looked at her, now with his eyes relaxed and easy. Her face was drawing closer and her breathing stopped. In her eyes, all that he could see was his reflection.

She kissed him. It was unlike before. It was as if she was going in him but he cannot just let her. He tried matching her kiss and right before their lips separated, he kissed her. It was like chasing after hers but then he remembered the hours of silence spent in studying and ended the kiss. Very slowly he moved his lips away.

“You should get back to your studies,” he said looking at her.

“No,” she defied him sweetly.

They were at it once again. Kissing as they slowly stood up as every move made more passionate. Her arms were on his shoulder and around his neck. His was hand on her waist and into her shirt, slowly crawling up to her body. Her fingertips slithered on his scalp. His hand slid on her silk like skin. She slowly led him to the bed and with every step they took off each other’s clothes. He was over her and under the sheets. Her warmth embraced him. His kisses now made everywhere, to her lips, to her neck, to her chest, to her bosoms, to her tummy, to her belly button and down even further. She chuckled as he went down and down and snickered at the end.

He felt great having it tucked between her legs, every movement tickling. She touched and kissed him, here and there and everywhere. The restless nights writing papers, the countless hours reading books, and the endless stress seemingly went out of him. She placed her hands right below his waist. It was the moment to earn the prize but unlike her, he wasn’t at a smile. He looked at her eyes and there he saw her happy.

He rolled to lie beside her, passing at the chance. He looked away towards the window, trying once again to see through beyond the curtain. He felt sweat on his body and the blood still rushing in his veins but now slower but stronger. He felt once again the cold breeze of the fan now that he was not in her embrace. It was just now that he noticed that the fan had blown away her exams papers to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m worried about your exams. I’m turning out to be a distraction,” he said.

“It’s okay. I better go back to studying.”

lately i haven’t been posting anything since it is our finals week. i had to stop updating my blog so that i could give some time to my studies. i had to stop day dreaming so that i’d be able to see my goals once again. it has been tough lately, sacrificing my social life just to get my grades straight. i am used to it though for it has been the story of my life.

my exams are all done and i have only one paper left to do. life has been easy since my calculus finals was over. been watching basketball games, been going out with friends, and been sleeping eight hours once again. i guess it wasn’t too much of a sacrifice.

though it has been easy, i cannot say that things are clear already. my heart is still a mess which i dare not to even look at to know where to start fixing. my grades are hanging in the balance and to be honest, i think i won’t make it to the BAA cut-off. i said goodbyes to so many friends knowing that i might never have the chance to be with them anymore since we will be taking different paths but wanting both at the same time to hold on to what we have had. it’s a mess but i dare not to clean it up. lazy? no. it’s just too complicated.

i have spent one school year in UP and i can definitely say that i am not the darryl i used to be. to tell you the truth, i am pretty much dissapointed to what i have become. this ain’t me and i am faltering away from the man i want to become. complications are things that dont hinder me. the complicated stuff are the more i enjoy making it simple. been placed to a different kind of pressure since coming to UP. until now i cannot define exactly what is pressuring me though but i just feel it. i am sorry but i am not doing well against it. i just aint the darryl i used to be.

i miss myself. i wonder where could i be. i come out from time to time but still it aint enough. that is the reason why i tried to get rid of me. i just aint enough. i have to become better and to become better i have to sacrifice myself. i have to or else i will stay in mediocrity. i know what i want and i’d sacrifice whatever has to be just to get it. i will not fail.

(p.s. i normally don’t write this way..)

in the past few days i have been in hell.. i cannot completely say na im out of it na pero.. kanina.. i had an esacpe..

spent the day in the house one of my closest and dearest friends sa UP.. sa bahay ni marge.. i was with marge (ofcourse kc bahay nya un), jevic (bday girl in 2 days), roni (mabagsik pala sa videoke to), mae (from st scho pala xa nung grade skul), aidz (nalilink sa isa dyan kanina) & mai-mai (new friend who really rocks)..

i finally got to see the korean movie "my sassy girl".. its so great.. comedic.. romantic.. cheesy ( as roni and marge put it ).. but it is my type of movie..

im a sucker for love stories (chick flick in the american language).. and since i was with friends i had a spectacular time..

nalimot ko ang mga problema ko.. nalimot ko ang.. ano nga ba un?? mamaya kapag nag-iisa na ako maaalala ko rin un..

im so grateful i have you guys around me.. i am at peace and i am at all smiles.. dahil you gave me this day to treasure im so sure i can face the problems i have been dealing with.. it feels so great talaga.. i know im repeating myself pero kung may oras ako nasabihin ang lahat ay gagawin ko.. ngunit tinatawag na ako sa impyerno.. id go back to studying =) thanks talaga sa lahat ng friends ko =) thanks God that You gave them to me =)

I know na I am not supposed to be writing a blog today pero I really want to get out something before I study. I just came home, stressed out dahil sa dami ng exams, pagod dahil I gave a hundred percent effort in facing the day, at badtrip because I came to know what is inevitable. But still here I am and here goes.

Just as the title suggests, this is the same old story. I am falling for someone who doesn’t even give a damn about me. Yes, again. I suppose yung mga nakakakilala na sakin ng matagal ay magtatanong ng, “di ka na ba natuto?” I have only one answer. I have learned but I am stubborn.

Alam kaya niya kung gaano ito kahalaga sa akin? Damn it! I looked forward to this each and every day. I want this so badly that I have come to throw away my peaceful summer vacation. I value this so much that I came to school even if I had no classes. I endured boredom and the stupid look of being alone in the AS lobby. I treasured this opportunity and what does she do? She forgot about it.

Okay, partly it is my fault because I did not text her and that I did not remind her. It is partly my fault because I gambled. I wanted to know how much this meant to her. It turns out I lost. It turns out this means nothing to her if not so little. I mean nothing to her.

Ang tanga mo. Ang tanga tanga mo. You have been with this type of girls before. Did you learn anything? Apparently not a single thing. The stakes are high but the chances are low. You just lost and how do you feel about it?

I admit that I feel bad, stupid and dumb. I hate this feeling but I am proud to say that I am still falling in love for her. I am proud that I fell face first on the floor and I am willing to do it over and over again if that is what it takes to win her. If this is who she is, I still want her because I have something in her that is worth.

To who ever who would read this, thank you for reading. I needed this and now I am going back to my studies. Thank you.

two days na lang at friday na.. the last day ng math 100 namin.. the last day na classmates kami.. feeling ko hindi na muling sisikat ang araw kapag lumubog ito sa friday.. feeling ko matatapos ang lahat..

to be honest.. pinanghihinaan ako ng loob sapagkat .. naiinis kc kung kelan patapos na ung sem, tsaka lang ako nagsimula.. pinangunahan ako ng takot.. fear got the best of me..

pero come to think of it.. fear is the reason bkt sinabi ko sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko.. i feared that i would lose her.. pero how can i lose someone i never have had..

i dont know if what im doing is enough.. i dont even know where to go from here.. for the first time in my life.. none of my plans seems to suffice for the situation.. nangangapa ako ngaun sa dilim.. hay..

yes.. stressed out na ako.. tatlong exams.. tatlong papers.. isang orientation na conflict sa sked.. isang love life na di malaman san papunta..

to be honest.. na-miss ko itong feeling na ito.. though i hate it.. i have learned to embrace it.. kc it is from this feeling that i am fueled to strive to get rid of it..

the plan is..

1) about sa exams.. edi syempre mag-aral.. wala naman akong magagawa dun eh.. pero itL be better if we get to study together diba

2) about sa papers.. edi magsulat.. id stop muna for a while dito sa blog and focus sa mga philosophy papers and creative writting papers ko..

3) dun sa orientation.. iL re-sked na lng siguro ung exams ko.. i have my priorities and im sorry if id ease up on my studies just a little bit

4) sa love lyf.. oo super down na ako dahil dito pero mahaba pa naman ang panahon.. many things can happen sa summer.. hehehe.. tignan na lamang natin

Ilang araw na rin na hindi ako nakakapagsulat. Patawad, sapagkat sa mga araw na lumipas ay nagtatalo ang aking puso at isipan. Maraming katanungan ang paulit-ulit kong naririnig sa aking pag-iisa. Maraming katwirang mapang-akit na nais akong akayin. Sa dami ay di ko na malaman kung ano ang gagawin at kung papano ito ihahayag sa mga salita. Patawad.

Kasalukuyang kagigising ko lamang sa aking pagtulog ngayong siesta. Ngayon lamang muli akong nakahimbing ng masarap sapagkat sa mga nakalipas na araw ay putol-putol ang aking mga gabi.  Ako ay namumulat na lamang sa kanyang alaala. Ako ay hindi makatulog sa kaiisip kung tama ba ang aking mga nagawa kasama siya. Ngayon malinaw ang aking isip. At ngayon ako ay nakapag-iisip.

Maraming nagwiwika ng mga katagang ‘kay ganda ng umaga’ ngunit mayroon na bang nagsabi ng ‘kay ganda ng araw (referring to the sun)’? Sa tanang buhay ko ay wala pa akong naririnig o nababasa. Masakit timingin sa araw at maaari itong magdulot ng pagkabulag. Ngunit kung iisipin, walang magandang umaga kung wala ang araw. Ang kadiliman ng gabi ay magpapatuloy at hindi magwawakas. Magpapatuloy ang maginaw na gabi. Mamamatay ang mga halaman at titigil ang kinagawiang pagtakbo ng buhay. Kaya ngayon aking sinasabi, maganda ang araw.

Unti-unting lumilinaw ang mga bagay-bagay. Bagamat ako’y inaatok pa rin, wala na ang muta sa aking mga mata na nagpapalabo sa nakapaligid na katotohanan. Nakasisilaw ang araw ngunit hindi ko makikita ang kagandahan ng mundo kung wala nito. Sa tanghali ito ay mainit at minsan nakapapaso sa balat ngunit dahil dito ang tao ay patuloy na nabubuhay. At ngayon malinaw na ang lahat, babalik ako sa pagtulog sapagkat sa aking pagpikit ay tiyak na makikita ka.

We found out na sarado ang OUR. I looked to my watch and it is still 10:30am.. I still don’t want to part ways with her.. and I definitely don’t want to go home just yet.. she suddenly turned to me and asked where do I want to have lunch.. oooohhhh

We had a hard time deciding.. none of us wanted to decide for the other.. nakasakay na kami sa katips but we still have not decided.. I remember a place where my blockmates and I ate back in the first sem.. I took her there..

It’s a great place.. featured once sa Unang Hirit.. and it’s a wonderful place for dating.. she had fun reading the ‘a bit erotic’ menu.. I cannot believe it.. it is Wednesday and I am having lunch with her.. kaming dalawa in this romantic place.. it is like a dream come true..

We were in laughter just looking at the menu and reading the green jokes along with each dish.. in her laughter I found a sanctuary.. in her smile I found a priceless portrait.. all I see is beauty.. all I feel is her kindness.. and then we ordered..

As we were eating and as she shared her past.. I came to know a side of her that was oblivious to what is now.. I wanted to reach for her hand but my body would not let me.. I was afraid of the consequences.. and all the comfort the I can give her came through pathetic words..

Time passed and as she told her tale I cannot help it to be trapped in her world.. we were almost done eating when the radio played ‘when I see you smile – bad english’.. it was a pretty old song.. but it said perfectly what I wanted to say.. for from her smile I draw the courage.. and because of that smile, I can face the world.. I was telling her my feelings and once again none of the words seem to came out right.. but she listened to me.. and she did not turn me down..

Di namin namalayan ang oras.. she is already late for her part time job.. but she said na it doesn’t matter.. I don’t know but I was touched.. I am not really hard to please and im not really expecting anything from her.. simple words can move me..

We left and went to UP.. tapos na ang lunch at malapit na kami sa CAL lib.. hay.. hindi pa rin kumukupas ang kanyang kagandahan.. at nagwakas ang aking araw sa ganap na 1:30 ng hapon.. sa kanyang pamamaalam..

i have written so many words in this blog.. so many stories.. so many thoughts.. and to be honest i never thought id become this addicted to updating my blog..

what purpose do i serve in updating?? sabi ni aristotle.. ‘there is no act that does not serve oneself’.. and true that in updating i am in service of myself.. pouring out my heart along with its emotions and frustrations.. shouting out to the world the words i wish not to speak with my tongue.. practicing my free-writting here and not with a pen and paper.. i serve myself in this act..

nevertheless, as they say.. no man is an island.. and to what use are written words if they are not read.. i thank you all my readers for you have given this page a greater meaning.. i thank everyone who have spared time to comment and i assure you that your thoughts are noted in my heart..

so many words.. and its meaning is owed to you.. so many thoughts.. and its existance preserved by you.. so many stories.. and can only be retold by you.. thank you =)

Lust, the great eagerness or enthusiasm for something (Encarta dictionary 2004). My creative writing professor told us to write about this very broad topic in our final paper. We are supposed to make a scene where lust is the dominating feeling. Whether sexual or material, it doesn’t matter as long as we showcase everything we have learned her class. It doesn’t matter really what words shall we use, as long as we pour our hearts out. I doesn’t matter what method we use, as long we can get our reader and critic, which is our professor.

The thing is I can’t get myself into writing about lust. I used to be good at this but then right now I am oblivious to such feeling. I don’t know. I can’t even get a scene started in my head. I just can’t feel it.

Perhaps this is the result of falling in love for someone. I don’t know. Has she made me this way? A desperate romantic, a squire trying to wear a shining armor, a wild writer who does not know where to end. I don’t know. Things are pretty unclear and the world is full of haze. I can’t seem to find the right way and I’m going in a pretty dangerous pace. I really don’t know but I am sure one thing though. What I feel for her is free of such feeling.