zugzwang

i came in at 7am sa UP.. it has been long since i have come early.. perhaps excited lang ako na makita xa ulit.. its been a week and i just cant bear missing her this much..
it is still early and there are still very few people inside the building.. sarado pa ung canteen and sarado pa ung xerox machines.. meron pang class sa loob ng 314 and i see no one around na kakilala ko.. oh well, i have lasted a week without her.. another hour wouldn’t hurt as much..
i texted her if may classes nga ba today.. may exams kc bukas and normally walang pasok sa day before the exams.. right after i had sent it my phone  got a message right away.. surprisingly, it was her..
it aint the fastest reply she gave me.. and it wasnt a reply at all.. she was asking if my class ba kami today.. i told her i wasnt sure.. she asked me to text her if there is and i said yes.. she has an exams in econ 101 later and currently reviewing as she texted me..
sana may class.. kc kung wala.. there would not be a reason to see her.. hay.. sana pumasok c sir.. sana may calculus.. as i waited dumami ang friends ko at eventually may naging kakwentuhan na ako.. as i was passing time easy, suddenly i saw her from a far.. mula sa stairs.. ooohhhh…
she came kahit na i havent texted her na may class.. wala ba xa tiwala sa word ko?? wag naman sana.. she sat beside me.. and there we talked.. bonded and waited.. i tried not to get her into the story so much because she is reviewing and i definitely dont want to be a distraction.. i tried winning a couple of (pogi) points and i tried to be myself as much as i could.. i dont want to mislead her.. and i dont want to end up lying to her.. with all honesty we talked..
eventually hindi dumating ang prof.. he left us a message through another prof saying na walang classes at bukas ay ang aming exams.. 10am at 301.. i hope to see her again bukas sa exams..
maaga pa.. it was just 8:10 and i still dont want to go to my next class because i want to be with her.. so what i did is sinamahan ko na lang xa papuntang econ..
i enojoy walking with her everytime.. kahit gano kalayo or kahit gano kaaraw.. i dont care coz im with her.. and its fun to see the sun shinning at her face.. its fun to just spend time and share my laughter with her.. i delight in her stories.. and i am at peace hearing her laugh.. i see all the beauty in the world when i look at her eyes.. hay.. sadyang tinamaan ako sa kanya..
i should really move.. i shouldnt just wait for her answer.. i must show her what i feel.. i must tell her these words (at least much simpler.. weird kc pag sa ganitong way).. i will move

Buong araw kong inintay ang iyong sagot ngunit walang dumating. Unti-unting nadudurog ang aking puso sa bawat sandali na lumilipas ng walang balita sa iyo. Nararamdaman ko ang puwang na lumalaki sa loob ng aking puso. Di ko malaman ang gagawin. Ikaw sana ay sumagot.

Lumubog at natapos ang araw at bago mahimlay sagot mo ay natanggap. May kadahilanan pala kung bakit. Masakit tanggapin ngunit dapat kong maunawaan na ang hirap mo ay higit pa sa aking nararamadan. Ikaw ay nararatay sa iyong karamdaman at hindi makasagot pagkat mahina. Pagka-inip ay dagling na napalitan ng pag-aalala sa iyo. Ang kahabaghabag kong puso muli ay nasa dusa.

Patawad at ako’y wala sa iyong tabi ngayon upang bigyan ka ng kalinga. Patawad at hindi ko man lamang nalaman. Patawad at ako’y nagging makulit sa paghingi ng kasagutan. Patawarin sana akong sayo ay labis ang pag-aalala.

It is my second day watching my grandfather in the hospital. Helping him on to the wheel chair was a task full but rewarding. He asked me to bring him to the waiting area where he could watch TV. I suppose boredom has begun to hit him. It has always been fun to share with him my addiction to wrestling. He knew well most of the wrestlers. He had plenty of stories to share of how these wrestlers began their careers and how they reached the super stardom that they enjoy. He knows the moves. He knows the style. He enjoys the drama. Watching wrestling, he is just like the seventeen year old sitting next to him.

After the matches he asked me to bring me to his bed so that we could eat lunch. After eating, he then invited me again to watch TV. This time though, we watched boxing. Aside from our Filipino fighters and their respective opponents, my knowledge in boxing is limited. Gaining it in watching anime, playing it in PC games and fist fighting back in grade school were the ways I got enlighten of how beautiful this sport is. He turned to me and said that the main event is a beauty. He continued telling me of the previous fights of this boxer. Surprisingly, I did not find his tale a bore. In fact I got interested and the sleepiness of the siesta started to fade away. I treated him to a cup coffee and myself to a cup of chocolate drink from a nearby vending machine. Sadly, the nurse for medication called him back and we did not get to watch the main event. The under card matches were great but he has built the suspense in my heart for the last bout. Jokingly he begged the nurse to let him finish the round. I just can’t help to laugh.

He slept the rest of the day and my mom took her shift at around six. My grandfather was having a blood transfusion as I left and said goodbye. It was a great day but I had to endure the times when the nurses had to get blood samples from him. He grimaced and obviously did not want to do it. It’s not that I am afraid of blood. I just don’t want to see him in pain.

Today is my first time in medical city. My dad asked me to watch my Lolo Romy in his ward. He was hospitalized two days ago because of a urinary disease. He laid on bed with dextrose on his right and another for his urinary waste. He was scheduled for an operation but he lacks hemoglobin in his blood and the doctors feel that he might go into shock once he undergoes the operation.

                 He laid there as I watched over him. It wasn’t all too boring. He slept most of the time while I read my philosophy readings on Taoism. I am almost done with the book of Lao Tzu. There was a time that he had to get up and I believe I did well in assisting him. His stories were brief but I found each one amazing. The almost eight hours that I was with him is a memory worth keeping.

I can still remember, when I was in grade school, that every time that there are no classes, I would jump for joy. The day, supposedly for studies, would then be spent in playing games and watching TV. I would drown myself in laughter and I would not stop until I can no longer breathe. There was not a day that I was not happy when there are no classes.

This morning, I was ready to go to UP. I had my green Hang Ten shirt on and I had my hair gelled for the first time since five months ago. I was looking forward to coming to our math 100 when my parents came home, supposedly to pick me up, and told me that there are no classes.

I did not jump for joy nor did I scream on top of my voice. I knew full well that the news had just broken me. I tried not believing but how can I loose confidence on my parents. Every beat of my heart started to bear pain for I know a part of it had just been wounded. I did not know where to go but my feet dragged me towards the TV. I looked for the morning news and I have come to know that this day is ruined.

When I have come to know her, I learned that in a week there exists only two days, TF. Yes, Tuesdays and Fridays and nothing more. It is in these days that I get to see her eyes turn drowsy in our calculus class. It is in these days that I get to sit next to her. It is in these days we get to chat. It is in these days I get to walk next her. These are the only days in my week.

I told her through text that there are no classes. Instead of placing a smiley, I ended the text with a crying frown. She was happy to know that she does not have exams in econ 101. I am so happy for her that she has more time to study but I pity myself for losing Friday, a day I have held on so much. She had no words of comfort for me and I don’t expect any. I don’t want her to feel this because I want her to be happy. I suppose she is right now and because of that I should be as well. I’ll try.

Yeah, you are right. I am not in the position to do so and that what I have planned is wrong. Hard to believe but I should and that I must. Take what is only given and give only what is wished to be taken. There is no point in holding on to selfishness for greed is a sin.

Now that I have not, it hurts. The day would pass with not a word. The night is coming and I feel no presence other than myself. The walls around me are of no use for I feel the cold winds outside. I shiver in this corner with my arms only for cover. I hear nothing else but my own panting. I am alone.

Why do you keep telling me this? Do you feel my pains? Do you know all my thoughts? Have you heard what the call me? Have you seen what they have done to me? Oh! You do. Why then do you confuse me? Should not you help me for you understand me?

I cannot quiet down your voice for it is like my heart beating. I feel you like you are closer than being next to me. You have stolen my courage and robbed me of my strength. Free me now from you.

Am I bound to you? For all eternity? Leave me! Give me back my cause. I am no coward. I will act by myself. I do not need you council. I can do this for I know and I am. You cannot stop me.

I tried looking at her eyes as I spilled my guts in every word I say but to no avail. I was looking for redemption yet what I got was a pierce right through my heart. I thought looking at her could give me courage yet when I saw her beauty I have come to realize that I am lost. My heart was pounding and I feel the rush of blood through my veins and I cannot turn back now. I must go on even if nothing is coming out right. I have to.

Last night, thoughts of her kept me awake, fueled my mind, and gave me strength. Her words are the reason why I continue in this losing battle. It is the memory of her face that makes me want to wake up in the morning. In her presence I am addicted. Tell me please. Why is it now that I am with her, I am lost?

Five years of public speaking. One competition after another. One victory up until the next. My feelings have clouded my thoughts and my heart now speaks louder than my mind. Falling out of reason and falling in love is where I am now. Soon, I know I’ll hit the floor face first yet crave for the wind against my falling body.

All I ask is chance to show her this feeling. All I want is to let her see how strong this emotion is. I ask not for her to feel the same for she does not have to. I will carry her in my arms and all she has to do is to let me. Let me.

          My heart is now at her mercy and God I come to you with all the faith I possess. Help me now for there I see none from others. I thank you for the moments you have given me with her but I am sorry for I am now acting to have more. Let it be your will that she finds her way to me for I will not cease in taking care of her. You have my word Lord.

Am I running out of time? Malapit na matapos ang sem. Malapit na magwakas specifically ang math 100 ko.. 3^rd long exams na sa feb 24 yata or 25.. tumatakbo ang oras.. lumilipad ang panahon.. nais ko siya makasama at kailangan ng kumilos.. panahon na.. dapat na akong magsimula

Yesterday was Kalayaan Residence Hall’s open house. It is a yearly event when the freshmen dormitory open its doors to outsiders and none residents. For a student whose house is near UP, I do not have an idea what it is inside ‘Kalai’. It has been such a mystery what events happen there. It has been sad missing out on the numerous bonds of friendship being forge in that dorm. How I wish I were a dormer.

Yeah, I wish I were a resident of Kalai so that I don’t need an invite just to get in there. I wish I were a resident so that I get to be the boss of my life. I wish I were a resident so that I don’t miss out on so many events and concerts. I wish I were a dormer so that I have more friends. I wish I were a dormer so that I could have known her earlier.

She invited me in the open house about three weeks ago. That time I was falling for her already and though I knew that the invitation is friendly it caused my hearts elation. I knew full well that during a Saturday there is Project Forge, a commitment I wish not to concede. Nevertheless, how can I turn down her offer? How can I say no to her sweet smile and weakening eyes?

I cannot go back on my word and I cannot let my tutees down. I tried explaining her project forge. I expected a frown but she started asking about my tutees. I told her about them. Her eyes started to sparkle and glitter in my stories. I ended up telling her that I could make it in the morning. She ended up telling me about the bingo event that would take place and that she would give me a bingo ticket if I would come with her. Of course, with or without the ticket as long as I am with her, I’ll go.

Days passed and suddenly she told me that she would not be able to invite me because she has fieldtrip that day. It’s heart breaking really having something you’re holding onto suddenly got taken away. It wasn’t her fault. Most probably I would blame the professor who scheduled the trip at that date. Oh well, how could I blame her if she looked so sorry apologizing. It was as much as a loss as it was to me. Moreover, I really don’t want to see her sad. I just bare her look.

Yesterday, I forgot that it was the Open House. It was just during the project forge that we got to talk about. I got reminded of it and the first thing that came to my mind was that why am I not there. The answer I got was that I forgot she invited me. My heart rapidly raised its beating. Little by little I was turning furious. I text her a quote and there was no answer. Little by little my vision turned darker and darker. I started to hear my heart drumming. I began to loose sight of what I was supposed to do. My teeth were grit and fists clenched. I totally forgot her invitation. I taught my students with the only thought of her in my mind.

Later last night, she replied. We talked and she told me about her trip. It all came back to me and I was dumb founded.

Today.. a part of me have died.. yes, and that part is located at my heart.. for the passed 5 saturdays.. i had been teaching kids english.. i have had great students who have reached beyond my expectations.. i had experiences that i would never forget.. i had happiness no one can take.. or so i thought..

they say that every good thing must come to an end.. and now it had ended.. i wish to start again.. teaching them wasn’t all good.. there were times na nakaabala talaga sa sked.. there are times na ang hirap talaga magsaway.. there are times na tinatamaan ako ng sarili kong lesson.. still, i would not trade a single memory..

iL miss them for sure.. ung times na nakikipaglaro ako sa kanila.. noong panahon na i see in their eyes na nagegets nila ung lesson.. ung times na napatawa nila ako sa mga jokes nila.. iL miss them

c michelle.. ung medyo shy na student ko.. sweet and friendly.. though she struggled through the tutorials.. she managed to keep catching up with her peers..

c janine.. ung matapang kong student.. pasaway xa.. parating gusto nya ung attention ay nasa kanya.. she would always invite competition.. parating kaaway nya either one kay michele or kay gisselle..

c jose.. i haven’t told much about kay jose.. kc late na xa nagstart.. medyo naghabol xa ng lessons.. pero he coped up.. magaling yata ako magturo ng mga batang lalaki.. i came from marist.. & i know how to teach boys..

c gisselle.. ang pinakanakapagpasaya sa akin.. matalino xa.. mabait.. i see uchiya sasuke in her.. ung hinihiwalay nya ung sarili nya from others because of her superiority.. responsible din xa.. and sa lahat ng nagustuhan ko.. maganda ung ate nya na sumusundo sa kanya..

next project forge.. iL join ulit.. & i wish to meet students that would give me memories to treasure