zugzwang

last week was my report kami sa philo 10.. we came prepared.. we had every word and each action planned out.. we delivered our lecture well.. we answered brilliantly the questions raised by the counter-point pero.. pero there was just this one thing that we left out.. ung prof..

c sir mendoza.. tsk tsk tsk.. isipin mo.. he suddenly came alive after our report and began to ask questions.. first question pa lang parang nawalan na ng saysay ang mga binasa ko about sa metaphysics ni aristotle.. di lang un.. he posted his counter-argument.. argh.. dinurog nya kami.. especially ako.. wen i walked out ng room.. i wanted to jump off the third floor.. hahaha.. really i did want to.. i hated philo and hated being dumb.. argh

today everything has come to a great change.. naglecture xa.. and it was about empiricism & rationalism.. as his lecture went on.. i began to love philosophy ulit.. xe my mind started working.. wheeling and dealing ideas i cannot come up with when i am in a calculus class.. though i had a hard time kanina na makipag-argue sa smartest people in the country, masaya naman.. to be honest, i dont care what grade i get anymore sa philo 10.. what matters is that i get to have fun in the arguments.. kahit di na makatulog sa isang tambak na readings, ok lang.. this drive is fueled by love of philosophy.. & there aint gonna be anythin’ stronger than that..

i wrote a poem with the same title para sa creative writting 10 class ko.. 1.75 lang nakuha ko.. it was about the patheticness of the people you encouter going home at rush hour.. ud see them tired and exhausted.. weary and sleepy.. iL post it sometime so uL see how i write poetry:D

anyway.. this one is different.. i went home tired yet happy.. i was w/ 2 friends.. ung isa nilibre ako ng mountain dew & very hot monay (salamat, mula sa kaibuturan ng aking puso) on the way home.. the topic was selfless love.. & believe me.. even though i am tired na.. my mind worked..

pagdating namin sa concepcion where we are supposedly na maghihiwalay-hiwalay na.. ay d namin nagawa.. napasarap ang usapan.. we stood outside ng KFC dun sa sakayan papuntang cubao.. wala lng.. tuloy ang kwentuhan at lokohan.. i was tired na eh, kaya medyo bangag na ako at super maloko.. buti na lng d ako tinulak ng mga kasama ko sa kalsada =))

when i got home.. d ko naabutan ang NARUTO.. ang bd3p.. pero its all worthed.. i had a great day.. commuting home never been this fun =))

there is this radio program na i got hooked into.. its in 96.3 FM every sunday 10:30 am - 12:00 nn.. its about love & stuff.. its from my dad that i got to know this program.. and after listening for the first time, i became an addict..

as the hosts (paul & cherry) were reading the letters sent to them.. they stumbled upon a 24 year old guy who is in-love to a 2 year old girl.. dont think na ytpo graphical error yan.. talaga 2 (two).. as in dalawa sa tagalog at dos sa español.. he said na this 2 year old girl inspires him to study.. yaaaak!!.. grabe & that love nya talaga ung girl..

i was doing my chores wen i heard this & i felt my breakfast coming out of my mouth.. muntik na ako masuka.. shocked and struck with disbelief.. pedophilia.. tsk tsk tsk.. wat is this world coming to??

2nd day ko sa project forge.. i was having a bad day before i came there.. i had to take crap from my mom.. and believe me i took it the best way i could.. i know she was out of line and out of reason pero wala akong magagawa.. mom ko xa.. i just have to say yes kahit labag sa lahat ng paniniwala ko sa buhay.. kahit masakit, i have to say yes..

ok, bad3p ako.. hanggang ngaun bad3p ako.. pero it didnt stop me from teaching them.. absent si janine, so c gisselle & michelle lang students ko for today.. mas madali magturo kapag mas konti.. & i was happy na i didnt have to deal with three.. problema ko nga lang next meeting ay nahuhuli na si janine & i dont want her to be left behind..

every lesson begins with teaching the students values.. ganun talaga.. religious ung study center na pinuntahan ko eh.. biruin mo nga naman, obidience pa ung kailangan ko ituro.. i was having a bad day because i tried to be obedient and respectful as much as i could sa parents ko.. at ngaun, kailangan ko ituro ito.. i started the lesson about telling them about my parents.. how great influences they were and much they have persevered just to give me a great future.. ofcourse nasa loob ko ung galit at ung sakit pero, mahal ko pa rin parents ko for they made me what i am now, for they have loved me more than i have loved them, for they are there always.. then i asked them to tell about their parents.. in their stories.. i started to learn

michelle shared first.. she didnt want to say anything about her parents really.. she hated them.. pinalo xa ng mom nya yesterday & i can feel the hate inside.. she barely spends time w/ her dad kc parating gabi na umuuwi because of work.. she aint proud of her parents and it was hard for me to swallow.. i tried to explain things.. i tried to justify the wrong actions of her parents.. i tried explaining na siya ang dahilan kung bakit nagtratrabaho ng maigi ang kanyang magulang.. na kung hindi sila magtratrabaho ay hindi sila makakakain at hindi siya makapag-aaral.. ginawa ko ang lahat upang gumanda ang tingin nya sa kanyang ina.. ngunit sino ba ako? tutor lang nya ako for 6 weeks or even shorter.. hehehe (tawanan na lang ang prob).. tapos sumingit si gisselle and said, "kaya ka nila pinapalo ay dahil mahal ka nila".. i wanted to laugh.. really i did wanted to.. i almost did.. pero i should not.. then i tried explaining.. pramis ang hirap lalo na kung may hinanakit ka sa puso at lalo na kung dinanas mo un..

gisselle followed after my pitiful explanations.. her story is different.. her mom is a house wife.. her dad construction worker.. pero ung dad nya ay hindi nagtratrabaho dahil nasaksak at sariwa pa ang sugat.. proud xa sa parents nya.. i believe na talagang mabait xa na bata.. pero ofcourse nandun pa rin ung ugali ng pagiging squatter na may bad word ung mga expressions.. di lang un ang kinuwento nya.. she told me also about her sister na one year older sakin.. maganda daw ung sister nya.. nanalo sa isang beauty contest.. she told me of her other siblings pero i was drawn into the story of her sister.. wahahaha.. jokes lang.. pero.. na-meet ko ung sister nya.. sinundo xa kanina eh.. pramis maganda talaga.. do you know the words "hot chick".. yeah, thats everything to it

sarap magturo.. lalo na kapag ang tinuturuan ko ay may napakagandang ate.. hahaha.. anyway.. that was how i started my lesson.. it was tough pero i have to live with it.. just lyk obedience.. tough & complex.. but i just have to live with it or not live at all

BABALA: kapag hindi ka isko (iskolar ng bayan) katulad ko.. dont even bother reading this.. hahaha.. jokes lang.. its just that puno ito ng jargons on UP stuff kaya mahihirapan ang hindi isko maliban na lang kung ikaw ay iska hahaha

walking for fitness nanaman today.. ang aking PE for the 2nd sem.. God, i love this PE.. i was offered na ng spot sa advance chess, pinili ko pa rin mag-stay sa walking.. hindi dahil naka-shorts ang mga girls na classm8s ko sa walking ha.. ngunit dahil this is the only PE that has the word ‘fitness’ in it..

4 pm.. warm up tym.. did my routine just as everyone did.. strech dito at strech doon.. porma dito, porma doon.. pa-cute dito, pa-cute doon (teka nasosobrahan na yata ako).. anyways.. i was ready na to walk.. excited to know what is today’s route.. my prof laid down the standard yet beautiful map of UP (mabibili ito sa FA at mas maganda ito sa ordinary).. itinuro nya ang route & i can’t believe nagawa kong lakarin un..

from gym kami nagsimula.. we went out the Ylanan and turned right headed to the route ng Ikot.. i decided to stay at the back of the pack.. its my strategy (bukod sa nandun din ang mga chicks este friends ko).. we turned left pagdating namin sa route ng ikot, headed to molave.. pagdating ng molave, we turned right sa procurement center & walked between the tennis court and eng bldg.. we turned right paglagpas ng tennis court & we took the acad oval..

napansin ko na its tym to make a move.. bibilisan ko na from here onwards.. iL leave them behind na (kahit gano cla kaganda, hahaha).. i zoomed forward.. i passed 18 people sa acad oval.. galing ‘no? tapos.. i turned right sa university avenue.. hindi ako naglakad sa avenue mismo ha.. if i did.. wala na sana ako para i-kwento ito.. may path walk sa kanan ng ave.. sementado xa.. while i was there.. i passed 5 other people.. and then i turned right papuntang gym ulit..

nagsimula na ako makaramdam ng pagod.. at na-discourage na ako xe ung susunod na tao is one minute away pa.. which is malayo.. masakit na ung kaliwang dibdib.. masakit ang right & left shin ko.. & then na realize ko na mali ung feet movement ng lakad ko.. porma kasi ng porma.. tsk tsk tsk.. i fixed my movement pero i was tired.. nakahabol ung isang naunahan ko.. & nakabalik kami sa gym na xa ung nasa harap ko.. buti na lang hindi pa tapos..

ok.. i was tired.. i was weak.. short & quick na ang breath ko (sign of hyperventilation).. meron nasa unahan ko na naunahan ko na before.. mataba ung nasa harap ko.. hindi ako papayag.. hinayaan ko xa mauna xe i was trying to catch a 2nd wind.. & believe me i did..

lumabas ulit kami ng Ylanan.. turned right sa route ng ikot.. pero this tym.. turned right (downhill) following the ikot route.. downhill xa, and there i gave all the energy i had left.. i didnt care if mamaya masakit ang muscles ko.. this is my pride we are talking about (tsaka may girl sa likod ko.. yoko nga maunahan ng isang babae).. i passed this bulky guy infront of me..

patapos na ang downhill.. at mukhang paubos na ang energy ko.. may uphill climb pa & feeling ko dun nya ako mauunahan.. pero hindi.. bago matapos ang downhill.. naunahan nya ako ulit.. at nagsimula ang uphill at unti-unti lumaki ang gap namin..

wala na akong lakas.. malamig na ang mga daliri ko.. gusto ko na ibagsak ang mga braso ko.. gusto ko na bagalan.. pasuko na ako sa pag-una sa kanya.. gusto ko na matapos ito..

nakita ko ang aking prof.. looking at the three of us (malapit lng ung girl eh).. naalala ko, ang mga sinabi nya para mapabilis ang lakad.. take longer strides.. & i did.. faster arm swing make faster leg movement.. & i did..  meron pang isa eh.. di ko ngaun matandaan.. hahaha.. pero naalala ko kanina.. hahaha.. meron pa akong nalalabing lakas.. humihinga pa ako.. at hindi ko hahayaang mauna ka..

i won.. 25 minutes 22 seconds.. there were 8 others na nauna (pero they started sa front, which hindi ko pa ginagwa ever).. i beat him by two seconds.. yeah!! all the drama and all the pain for two seconds.. i was in pain, i was hyperventilating, i was weak, i was too tired to cool down, i could barely stand straight.. naramdaman ko ang pakiramdam ni eugene matapos bugbugin ni taguro.. pero i was in victory. (period)

came into natsci2 class early.. i wanted to do my calculus assignment ng maaga eh.. i tried & when frustration hit me, i didnt stop.. i continued answering, mindful na dumating na c lyka at c jep who sat at my left and my right respectively.. hiniram ni lyka ung notes ko sa natsci2.. i gave it to her with no questions asked.. jep was reading his notes too while singing some rock song.. the prof came in and said to keep all the notes.. i did.. and then he began his usual joke routine..

his jokes were about todays exams.. what the?? exams?? today?? oh… my… God… may exams pala ngaun.. "teka.. anong date ngaun?", i asked lyka with my eyes wide in shock.. "26, bakit?", she replied.. "exam natin ngaun?? sh*t.. d ko alam.. wla akong ni-review" i said with disbelief.. "ha? bilib na sana ako sayo.. hindi ka nagrereview.. akala ko nag-aral ka na.. d mo talaga alam??" she replied..

hindi ito nangyayari.. please gisingin mo ko.. tell me na ordinary discussion lang ang meron.. wala akong alam.. may exams talaga?? ‘t*ng ina yan.. hindi ko man lang tinignan ang kalendaryo kahapon o kanina.. bakit ako nagpabaya?? hindi.. ahhhhhhhh!!!! ayoko nito..

binibigay na niya ang mga test paper.. hindi.. tama na.. kumakabog ang aking dibdib.. lumalalim ang aking paghinga.. nahihilo ako at di ko maitaas ang aking ulo na nakapako ang tingin sa sahig.. ano ito?? nahihirapan na ako.. ayoko nitong aking nararamdaman..

napansin ko nakatingin si jep.. told him na di ko alam na may exams.. sabi nya, "ok lang yan".. ha? ok lang? anong ok doon? matalino ka kasi.. argh.. nakatingin si lyka.. concerned ang mga mata nya pero malapit na syang matawa sa akin.. alam kong hindi sya tatawa xe kaibigan ko xa.. pero nakita kong wala xang magagawa sa aking sitwasyon.. at lalong wala rin akong magawa.. argh..

took a deep breath.. inhale, exhale.. "you’re the man, kaya mo yan, relax.." i said trying to fool myself into believing na may magagawa ako.. na maaalala ko ang mga bawat sinabi sa klase.. lumaki ang ngiti ni lyka at nagsabing "kaya yan"

natanggap ko ang aking papel at nagsimula ang kalbaryo

"oooohhhh.." i said in my mind as i finished reading her question.

     she is trying to trap me into this corner.. she wants me to rattle my senses and to loose the clarity of my mind.. she is daring me to say words i wish not to say.. she is giggling, i know, behind her computer and pouncing in wait for my answer.. i know, she is trying to play with my mind..

     calm down now.. answer not in haste.. learn the virtue of patience.. think things through.. you need not to answer her right away.. breathe in, breathe out.. what would impress her.. what would bounce off the question to her.. what are the right words to say..

     i dont know.. this is the first time she has done this to me.. why.. what does she intend.. does she need to know something.. does she enjoy this.. should i as well.. by what reasons did she came up with the intent to toy with my mind..

     i was only trying to make her laugh.. trying to make a joke out of her usual hello.. has my joke become offensive.. i suppose not.. i am cautious when it comes to joking with her..

     wait!! focus man.. focus.. think of her question.. how should i answer.. it has to be smart yet sexy.. it has to be simple yet witty.. i think i have it..

     but still.. i dont think this is impressive enough.. she would end up asking this.. or perhaps asking that.. but wat if she asks these.. i can’t answer that.. i would end up evading..

     argh.. her voice is in my head already.. asking the next set of questions that are yet to happen.. am i losing myself.. am i afraid to say what i have come to.. it’s a minute and i haven’t replied.. what if she gets bored and leave.. it will spell out a victory for her.. i dont want to lose this game.. or any game at all..

      i have to.. answer what i have arrived.. it has to be now.. take courage.. toss the coin.. roll the dice.. take the chance.. i will

bakit nga kaya.. wala naman masyadong bago sakin.. is it my new years resolution?? i dont think so.. is it because i’m inspired (by any reason) nope.. surely not..

i suppose kc alam ko na ngaun ay may babasa nitong sinusulat ko.. namely my friends whom i eat lunch with kapag MTh (c marge, c roni, c jevic).. hehehe.. pero if im really the daRRyL that i am.. that wouldn’t  be enough reason.. xe friends ko sila.. & friends do read each others blogspots.. so what is really fueling me lately??

well.. to be honest.. there are others pala na nagbabasa nitong lowly blog ko.. from out of the blue there was a classmate na bigla na lng nagtanong sa post ko.. ooooohhhhh.. who is this classmate?? to be honest d ko rin xa kilala eh.. well, not until she told me she read my blog..

na-inspire tuloy ako magpatuloy sa pagsusulat.. xe others might just be reading this.. and if they are ( wasting their time ).. i should make this blog worthed ( wasting other people’s time )   

its been three straight days na online sya.. is she back to her old chatting days?? or dahil nagbago na ako ng chatting tym ay madalas na kami nagkaka-abot??

sad nga eh.. hanggang dun lang.. nagkaka-abot lng.. d na kami nagkaka-usap xe di na xa nagrereply sa mga "hi there musta na?" opening lines ko.. am i nothing now to her?? wla na bang bilang ung nights na magkausap kami?? ung mga exam dates na hindi ako nag-aral para lng makinig sa kanyang mga kwento.. ung mga araw na masaya tayo at nagbibiruan.. hay.. wala na yata yun

di mo lang alam kung gano kalaki ang naging part mo sa buhay ko.. d mo alam kung gano ko kalinaw nakita ang danaan sa gitna ng gabing madilim dahil sa mga ipinayo mo.. d mo alam kung gano naging makulay ang langit sa mga biro mo.. d mo alam kung ilang luha ang napigilan mong tumulo dahil tinabihan mo ako (figuratively ito ha).. d mo alam ikaw ang dahilan..

d mo alam at di mo na malalaman.. that unless may magsabi sa iyo other than me.. i have moved on na sa mga feelings ko sau.. pero, i miss our friendship.. i definitely do.. hindi na sana kita niyaya ng araw na un na magmeet.. alam ko matagal na.. at mag-iisang taon na ang nakalipas.. pero i miss our friendship.. i wish u’d talk to me again

kanina was "the battle".. the rematch ni manny pacquiao at eric morales.. if i were to choose.. kahit filipino ako.. id go for morales.. because he is a better boxer.. more skilled & i love his counter attack..

hindi naman ako pumusta.. kya i didnt have to syd kay eric morales.. i was behind the TV to support manny in every second of the bout.. behind the TV being a filipino in support to his fellow countryman..

eric morales was definitely out of shape.. his legs obviously gave way because he wasnt prepared enough for the match.. manny, on the other hand, was definitely spectacular on doing what was in his plan.. being alert that the counter attack is present & hitting a couple of strong punches in the body at the later part of the bout.. at times though.. the psychological effect of the counter-attack emersed in manny’s reactions and movements, manny suck it all in took advantage of the ducked eric morales in the tenth round..

oh, i watched every second of the bout without turning my head to reach for the biscuits i was eating.. every punch was lyk every beat of my heart that kept coming and coming.. it was lyk i was there myself.. forgetting everything including my problem set in calculus.. the world was something i did not know.. there was not a need to give it a second of thought.. im thankful.. manny won.. & in his victory i forgot the world (have to end it na.. kakain na eh)