zugzwang

complex relationships = life (not a thesis statement, maganda lng to start things)

1) hahaha.. hindi natin matatakasan pa minsan ang maguluhan sa mga ugnayan natin sa isa’t isa.. minsan nkakaganda na magulo ang mga bagay bagay.. it makes you think, it makes you wonder.. may thrill, may challenge to understand things.. when u do understand, things become defined.. malalaman mo yung mga nagustuhan mo, malalaman mo rin yung ayaw mo.. tapos malalaman mo rin ung mga bagay na hindi mo na pwedeng baguhin.. it’s either you want the relationship or not anymore.. at ang hirap malagay sa sitwasyon na yun kc by that time, nakilala mo na xa to actually know the reasons behind these things, eh marami na kayong pinagsamahan..

2) hindi pare-pareho ang mga tao.. at lalong hindi pare-pareho ang mga ugnayan na nalilikha sa ibat-ibang pagkakataon na nakikilala, nakasasalamuha, at nakikibahagi tayo sa mga buhay nila.. as a result, you treat people differently and see people differently.. halimbawa, pano na lng kung gusto mo maging ‘ganito’ ang isang tao sa buhay mo? tapos ‘ganyan’ naman ung mga kundisyon that revolve in your unique relationship.. can you force change to that person or do u simply give up what you want and accept things na ‘ganyan’ kayo? at ndi pla pwede maging ‘ganito’ (akala ko when you work hard enough, u’d, in time, deserve the things you want.. can you "work hard" on this when changing is that person’s decision?)

3) panu kung suitable ang sitwasyon na kinalalagyan nyo para mapunta ang ugnayan ninyo sa ‘ganito’ ngunit gusto mo naman maging ‘ganyan’?? hahayaan mo b na magpatiaanod ka na lng sa takbo ng ugnayan ninyo at sa dikta ng mga kundisyong sumasaklaw sa inyo? parang madaling gawin yun..

or the other wat around na: panu kung gusto mo ‘ganito’ ngunit ang mga sitwasyon ay hindi akma para umusbong ang pagiging ‘ganito’?? Do you give up to the fact na hindi kayo mapalad na nalagay sa stiwasyong kaayaya para maging ‘ganito’? Will you dare to move, run, and jump on all the hurdles that are in the way of making the relationship the way you want it to be? eh pano kung matapos ka sa kakatakbo at malaman mo na ayaw pala nya ng ‘ganito’

4:30 in the morning na pala.. i guess i should sleep na if i want to jog later =D i hope you all have a happy singleness awareness day =D or valentines for those na may lovelife

yep.. it came from James Blunt’s song, Goodbye my Lover.. hehehe.. I don’t even know how many times i had played it today on my laptop through my earpiece.. i don’t care.. i guess i wanted to wallow in the feeling that it is over..

bkt? marahil ikaw ay nagtataka kung bakit? ano nangyari? paano? akala mo ba xa na?? akala ko rin eh.. i guess there were too many things that were unsaid, unchecked.. i think right from the get go, mali na ang mga bagay-bagay.. i stole her, i stole her from her bf.. akalain mo gagawin ko un.. oo mali.. at pinagsisihan ko ito ngaun.. back then i thought, kung gusto ko xa ay hindi dapat iyon maging hadlang.. aun, jumped right in and stole her away..

honestly, i wasnt ready to have a relationship back then.. kht na mag-2 years na akong single.. i still feel na ndi pa ako handa.. pero dahil iniwan na nya ang bf nya at effective ang panliligaw ko, she asked me kung kami na ba.. napressure ako at sumagot ng oo, thinking na baka ndi na dumating muli ang pagkakataong iyon.. tsaka ano na lng iisipin nya kung hindi dba?

ndi nya ako kilala.. at ang mundo kong ginagalawan.. may mga panahon na nawawala tlaga ako, mahirap hagilapin dhl sa bc sa orgwork or acads.. minsan 24-48 hours straight ang trabaho.. non-stop at ang bawat saglit ay mahalaga.. akala ko maiintindihan nya, pero ndi, she still demanded tym to meet me kahit nagpaalam ako na mawawala ako in two weeks.. nakipagkita pa rin naman ako pero sayang ung panahon.. anu ba naman ung ilang araw na ndi kami magkita when i intend to keep her in my future..

i never got to introduce her to my friends.. wala eh, ndi ko naramdaman ung attempts nya to get out of her way to see my projects, my events.. hay naku, dpt xa ang kasalo ko sa tagumpay pero wala xa.. dpt xa rin ang binubulungan ko ng mga problema ngunit wala akong tiwala na maiintindihan nya ako to begin with.. i gave us time, believing one day bka maintindihan nya ako.. bka marinig nya ung mga bulong ko.. at bka we’d get to share the accomplishments..

if we’d share our lives.. nais ko lng na maintindihan nya ang buhay na ipapamahagi ko sa kanya.. nais ko lng makilala nya ang tunay na ako, hindi ung parating nakikipagbiruan na madalas nya ksama.. ndi ako forever sweet, aminado ako dun.. grumpy nga ako at times, loner nga ako at times..we werent friends to begin with.. i guess, i saw the end before we began..

Natapos na rin ang January.. kung saan napaka-busy ko to the point na i was over-stressed and over-fatigued.. ang bilis ko maging grumpy at muntik muntik pa ako mawalan ng isang kaibigan.. buti tapos na and can i just say, promising ang start ng february ko

tagumpay ang ujf (university job fair) na sinubukan kong tulungan.. bilang i had friends na i wanted to extend my support and that naging one of my projs un last yr.. i can say na this year was bigger and hats off ako sa mga ebic ngaun

i met up with my sponsor sa JPIA.. na-pig out na nya ako at mas malakas na xa kumain sakin ngaun wahahaha!! ang adorable nya kumain, bilang she did not care about her model like figure (well, model naman tlaga xa) at kahit 2 hours lng kami nagkasama, super na miss ko xa and i still do.. i super had fun tlaga being with her sana maulit ang mga bonding moments namin

tapos i went back to the study center i used to come to, called kapuluan.. they had this student conference, a series of talks and workshops na super helpful of us young adults.. im happy to see a number of skulm8s un HS in that study center.. and im happy na blessed ako with such an opportunity to develop myself through such seminar..

most of all.. wat really got me up writting 2nyt is a very special friend who would always seem to brighten up my day the instance she’d walk in the room.. ewan ko ba, kahit na i can never match her energy level or minsan malabo xa or ndi xa naniniwala na i understand her, i’ve always wanted to be closer to her and simply be there for her.. whether she needs me or not.. i dont know much pero i know im happy around her..

well there, got to do my to-do list for tomorrow gudnyt

Bakit? Bkt ndi mo aminin that u r affected? Bkt ndi mo sbihin na nahihirapan ka sa ating kinalalagyan? Ewan ko sayo.. Anu bang parte ng "narito ako para sayo" ang ndi mo maintindihan?

Ang tamis pa naman ng mga salitang binitawan mo. I wouldn’t even be able to conceive of them, at all, kht na ilang araw at gabi ko pag-isipan yun. Naniwala ako sau.. nanalig. At tulad mo, pinanghawakan ko kung anu man itong mayroon tayo. Tayo.

Sa totoo lang, akala ko’y ikaw ang katuparan ng isa sa aking mga panalangin. Akala ko naawa na sa akin ang Diyos at dinulot ka Niya sa akin dahil I prayed for someone who would listen to me when i dont feel like talking and u did, dahil i prayed for someone who’d stick with me when I feel like being alone and u did. Akala ko ikaw ang makaiitindi sa insanity ng aking daigdig. Akala ko may maniniwala na rin sa akin.

Maliit na bagay? huh? Anung maliit, eh u folded under pressure. pressure that you deny to feel. pressure na hindi naman dapat nariyan. i felt betrayed. ang sakit, bilang i thought u wer not affected dahil sa mga salitang binitawan mo. bilang pinaniwala mo ako na wala lang sayo ang lahat. bilang you never lied to me before. o baka you have made me believe that had absolutely no pretensions. Sinabi mo na lng sanang u r affected, i would have helped out.

Feeling ko overweight na ako dahil sa sobrang bigat ng puso ko. ang hirap maglakad, mabilis ako napapagal at naghahanap ng bench mapagpapahingahan. Ang hirap bumangon sa kama, knowing before i open my eyes na makikita kita mamaya. Parang khapon lng excited na ako bumangon kht isang oras pa lng ako 2log para maibagay sau ang pasalubong ko; pasalubong na kusa kong binili para sau. bumili pa nga ako ng decoy na pasalubong eh, para kung maghingian ang mga tao eh matitira ung real pasalubong ko for you. nanakabwiset na ang pinaghirapan mong pag-isipan at pag-ipunan ay ganun din naman pala mapupunta. Ang bigat sa puso na sa ilang buwan kitang nakilala ay hinayaan kong mapalapit tayo sa puso ng isa’t isa tapos ay dito lamang mapupunta. Ang hirap, hindi ko na kaya dalhin ang aking sarili dahil sabigat ng aking nadarama. Hindi mo lang alam that you can make my heart beat faster and slower both at the same time; that you can break it and be the only person to know how to place it back together. i kept no secrets from you. patawarin mo sana ako if i doubt you now.

Ngaun i wonder, "anu ba ang kabuluhan ng lahat ng ito?" for the first time in my life, nsaktan ako at ayaw kong gumanti. maaring nagawa ko ipagtanggol ang aking sarili sa paglayo ngunit mas maiigi na lng sana kung hinarap kita. I honestly dont want to lose you. ayoko. I’ve taken a step back away from you, now im ready to move two steps forward. sana hayaan mo muli ako. alam ko nsaktan ka rin. pero i hav realized my fault too. that i took everything hook, line, & sinker. ganun ako naniwala sau. but though there is doubt and skepticism, patuloy na akong naniniwala na ako’y di mo ipapahamak. Patuloy akong mananalig sayo, hayaan mo nawa ako.

he met her.. she was ok and he liked her.. they were both free and longing for that feeling that once embraced and gave warmth to their lives.. he picked his spots and maximized the chances.. going out of his way he tried to reached out.. she did not make it that hard.. nobody knows though if she liked him too.. no one will anymore..

things were going great between them.. and he enjoyed the moments he had with her.. he didnt want to go back to his life.. there was nothing to go back to.. things wer falling apart.. and he cud do nothing to stop it..

the moment came.. wer he cud finally tell her.. wer he cud finally take her.. he wanted to.. he waited so long for this.. but he cudnt.. no matter how much he willed it, he just cudnt.. he cant offer her sum1 who’s broken and worse unworthy.. he told her nothing.. not even the pain he feels.. pathetic.. he let the chance pass thinking there wud come another..

the chance did not come.. but someone else did.. sum1 who cared for him and understood the pain without having him to tell her.. she took him.. in her arms.. he found a new world being built..

and now they are together.. in a bond seemingly unbreakable.. but there are times.. that he looks back.. on what could have been.. wud he be happier.. being with the dream girl, who had just been a dream during the darkest moment of his life.. or is this real hapiness.. being with sum1, who walked with him through that darkness..

stupidity is something i never admited, even to myself.. but come to think of it.. if i wasnt stupid or dumb at a certain degree, there wouldn’t be any room left for learning.. this realization just came to me.. in the middle of my ever growing arrogance of being smart, intelligent and wise.. i just have been humbled.. for real.. i can see myself changing at a pace that scares me.. at a pace i have never matched.. at a road i never walked.. i tried to embrace every moment of living.. now, i seem to be losing everything i held close.. redefinition have definitely been redifined in my dictionary.. and i am now gone.. two minutes until my time here in this computer shop expires

today is the last day ng freshmen enrollment sa UP.. wud u still believe na im still working sa reg inspite all the color from last summer.. haha.. met new friends.. and some dun sa old ones, natanggal sila sa work.. well, they had better things to do and better places to go through.. ako d2 pa rin.. working, doing as much as i can..

life pretty much is surprising.. just wen uve realized u want or love something tsaka na lng mawawala sau (hindi ito luv lyf ha).. or kapag ndi mo kailangan, na sau.. tapos ung nail cutter na kailangan kong gamitin ngaun, dalawang linggo ko ng hindi makita.. yoko naman humiram.. hay.. san ko ba nailagay un

love.. it isnt a choice between two, or between five, or between ten, or between variety.. there is this one person na tamang tama para sau.. hindi xa destined para sau kaya be alert.. baka ud end up with the 2nd best

org.. ok lng kahit wala akong gf.. may up jpia naman ako

acads.. ooohhhh.. malalaman natin by the end ng summer.. hahaha

family.. errr.. mas matangkad na sakin talaga ung younger brother ko

chess.. nationals na sa last week ng may..

politics.. let the pigs wallow in the mud

bakit ako nandito ngaun.. dahil di ko pa trips umuwi.. gusto ko gumimik.. got money pero may org work bukas kaya ung mga friends ko ay umuwi na para magpahinga.. kakasweldo ko pa naman

tagal ko ndi rin nagpost.. sira kc frnstr sa bhay and im pretty much uncomfortable everytime na id write my blog sa intrnet shop.. for some reason i feel na the person beside is reading my work.. hahaha

anyway, wat has happened to me l8ly.. Vice-Chair for Communications of NF sa org ko.. if ur wondering ano ang magiging work ko, dont ask me kc i dont know rin exactly hahaha it wasnt wat i had in mind.. i was actually aiming for something bigger.. or higher.. not that im dissappointed pero kc i hav no idea if im even qualified for the position i now hold.. or if i am qualified, which qualifications i have.. it is for service anyway.. service to the organization i have comoe to love.. UP JPIA so iL give it my best pa rin.. iL giv it all i have.. and who knows.. bka sa meetings ng national federation, something myt turn out

skul.. i dnt know.. hoenstly, been slacking off.. at the start ng semester i was all fired up.. as in i was getting almost perfect scores sa mga long exams ko.. i was inspired.. i had plenty motivations.. as it turns out.. they were too many.. and it was tough keeping them all together..

i lost my inspirations one at a time.. and wen i was down to one, i didnt have the energy nor the will to protect it.. dumating ung point na ung WiFi na lng ang pinapasok ko sa BA.. i dropped one subj so id hav more time dealing with other subjs.. advance naman ako sa curriculum eh..

i was so demotivated after dropping.. it felt lyk i gave up, surrendered.. then she came up to me and asked me if i wanted to talk about it.. we talked.. it was nice to have a friend lyk her.. she was one of those inspirations, who i thought i lost.. ndi pala.. she was there all along.. and she helped me through it.. she was great, she always is..

i was back on my feet.. and tried to finish strong sa final exams and papers.. i pray i did good.. especially sa majors ko

luvlyf.. pretty colorful pa rin.. and there are so many stories to tell that this aint goin to be enough.. currently, im still not committed to anyone hahaha i go out on dates from time to time,, but nothing serious and with no one in particular.. havent met the person eh.. ganun tlaga.. i dont want to lie to myself and say she is the one, or this person is the one.. i suppose gusto ko ma-feel un for myself.. na eveyone else on list is worth leaving dahil sa kanya.. marami naman "pwede" pero im not even bothering to move kc bka distractiong lng sa acads.. im still stick to my criterion na dpt study first relationship (or am i saying this dahil there is a possibility na my relatives are reading my blog.. hahaha.. joke lng)

work.. im still going to work sa Office of the University Registrar this summer.. it pays naman and it pays good actually pero its for the crs priority mainly, nothing more nothing less.. no monkey business and i definitely dont want to be involved anymore sa workm8.. mahirap din humanap ng person na pagwork, work.. at kapag personal, personal..

this sumester.. the lessons i learned practically came from painful experiences.. lessons are best learned the hard way, sabi nga nila.. first was wen sum1 i had feelings for hit me with personal side comments during a meeting.. we had an issue and we should have discussed it right away.. even before we had to deal with each other professionally.. it kept on like that.. wen we are supposed to talk on matters professionally, we’d find it very hard to approach each other.. minsan we wudnt talk at all.. it was tough, loving and hating her both at the same time.. i cudnt believe na she cud be so unprofessional.. lesson: when u leave things messy, they stay messy

the next lesson was during or BA 181 (Business Decision Making) group meeting.. we were doing our final case presentation.. i presented my business model and it was done manually.. not because i didnt hav a pc or i was competent enough to use the program, but because i thought that the program is not capable of creating the business model i had in mind.. my groupm8s rejected the idea of doing it manually.. some even laughed at me for doing it manually.. two days later a batchm8 who happened to be one of the smartest people around did his business model manually.. every group followed him and did theirs manually.. got hurt, bkt c darryl kpg nagmanual pinagtatawanan?? lesson: i need a good academic reputation

there.. the summary and highlight of my 2nd semester.. i dont lyk writing about my accomplishments anymore.. nor do i want to brag about them.. it’s late but i am finally beggining to understand what Marist tried to teach me and i hope i get to use that knowledge here in UP

at ngayon ako’y naririto.. humihiling na sana’y nakilala muna kita bago siya.. gaano kakulay kaya ng aking mundo kung kasama kita ngayon?? saan kaya tayo makararating?? ano kaya ang ating mga magagawa?? naging iba sana ang ating mga pag-uusap.. naging iba sana ang ating pinagbiruan.. hindi sana ako ngayon narito at humihiling kung nakilala kita bago siya..

ngayon hindi ko na siya kasama.. nag-iisa at mag-iisa.. maaari ba akong tumakbo papunta sayo??  hahayaan mo ba akong manatili kasama ka?? kahit na alam mo na ako ay lalapit sayo dahil nasaktan ako sa kanya?? matapos na iyong pahirin ang mga luhang kanyang dinulot gagawin mo ba itong muli?? tanggapin mo pa rin kaya ako muli??

madalas kitang nakikita.. madalas pa rin makakasama.. ngunit di na tulad ng dati.. maraming nawala at ngayon ako’y nangungulila sa awit ng iyong halakhak.. sa obra ng iyong ngiti.. naalala ko kung pano ka mag-alala sa isang kaibigan.. sa akin.. sana ay batid mo ang aking nararamdaman.. at sana ay ako’y iyong kakalingahin.. kahit na kasalanan ko kung bakit ako nasasaktan..

sana ay hindi ako nagkaganito.. sana ay hindi kita hinahanap o kaya ay sana narito ka.. sana ay  hindi ako humihiling ng isang panaginip.. ng isang magandang katha na dulot ay walang katuturang pag-asa.. humihiling na sana ay muling isulat ang kasaysayan ng kahapon.. na sana’y nakilala kita  bago siya

ive always hated being alone by myself.. alone in my room.. alone in studying.. alone in eating.. alone in reading.. alone in training (for chess).. alone walking papuntang next class.. hate it so much.. hate knowing that i have no one to turn to when i feel like talking.. hate knowing that i have no one to ask what should i be doing.. hate to call the shots on my own.. hate having no one to argue.. hate having no one to fool around with.. hate being alone by myself..
but i don’t mind being alone waiting for someone.. i dont care how long it takes (if the person is late).. i don’t care if i look stupid (if we are supposed to wear something that only makes sense together).. i don’t mind it at all.. hoping that that person would walk in the door.. praying i don’t have to wait another moment.. wishing that id look good to that person.. i don’t mind being alone waiting for someone..
what i hate most is when the person i have been waiting never shows up.. forgets that we are supposed to meet.. and never even informs me that that person couldn’t even make it.. been there a lot of times.. being stood up and all (sa tagalog inindyan).. it ruins not only my day but even the rest of the week.. and you know what, it scars me.. and that scar wud last as long as i live.. i remember who exactly are the people who have done this to me.. and believe me id never forget that they have (done this to me).. there is a list of names printed not in the back of my mind but carved ryt down my heart.. that scar turns to a wound everytym my mind dwells in its memory.. it bleeds and all i could do is hold the pain inside knowing that what is past has passed.. i hate it most.. regreting even going into the trouble waiting for the person.. holding the anger deep inside my heart that beets like drums of war.. shaming myself standing (sitting if im blessed to find a chair) on that spot for hours and hours.. i hate it most when a person iv been waiting never shows up..

what id love, is someone to be with.. to talk to and to walk with.. someone who wouldn’t mind having lunch with me for the sake of just having lunch.. someone who wud laugh at good jokes.. and someone who’d take tym to listen to even bad ones.. someone who believes im happy even when im not smilling.. someone who’d listen when i dont feel like talking..

but what id love most.. is to have that person